So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
