He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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