I'm pants shitting drunk right now
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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