I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Floor bacon is actually really good
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
