i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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