do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
