first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
