Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
