i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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