I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
