Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
