How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
