I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
