Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
