I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
