New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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