meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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