I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
