Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
