I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
