i would punch a child for taco bell
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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