There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
