forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
