Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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