guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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