Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
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