Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
