I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
