I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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