Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
