You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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