Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
