The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
