You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
