You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
