Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
