Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
