Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
