God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
