theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
