I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
