this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
