if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
