My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
