quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
