You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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