Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
