I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
