My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
