i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
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Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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