I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
