Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
