I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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