My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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